Just released “The Deadly Gems,” a novella about riddle-riddled notes sent to an occult investigatrix by a mysterious foe named the Noteworthy Adversary (Mr. NA to you), delivered by a talkative grackle (because Mr. NA can’t afford a raven). Enjoy.
I call my latest scribblings “The Madly Insane Rantings Of Lord Aldrod Lunatichio”. I found out after I published it that other people have used the phrase “Madly Insane.” Sheesh, go figure. It’s so redundant. Only a crazy person would use “madly insane.” Anyway, that’s what Lord Aldrod told me to call the novelette, so that’s what it is. It’s filled with strange and weird tales that will drive any sane person mad.
And so I put a hole in my head and out poured poetry. Who could have guessed? It is the work of a madman, or the Djinn. Who can say? Who would dare?
When you love vintage TV shows like Perry Mason and I Love Lucy and Columbo and Kolchak, and you want to write a story that throws all those memorable characters together — Perry, Della, Paul, Lt. Tragg, Hamilton Burger, Ricky and Lucy, Fred and Ethel, Mrs. Trumble, and the aforementioned Columbo and Kolchak — you can write fan fiction, of course. But a story this amazing, with a crazy courtroom climax that will leave readers gasping for air, is worth spending a buck on, so I changed the names slightly to create the most preposterous pastiche in literary history. You’re welcome.
Matthew Pilkington’s review
Take ‘The Man from U.N.C.L.E.’, mix it with ‘In like Flint’ and Dean Martin’s Matt Helms movies, add elements of ‘Time Tunnel’, ‘Lost in Space’ and ‘The Bionic Woman’, have it stirred well, not shaken (the proper way to make a martini) and you would have Tacita Pruval, a sex-on-legs secret agent who would leave James Bond lying limp on the floor from exhaustion and her adventure in this uninhibited spy spoof novel.
Tacita is quickly up to her neck in a roller coaster ride of an adventure involving intelligence and criminal organizations with a extensive range of acronymic names, such as SPECTRUSH and BANGLE. Throw in time travelling trips to the OK Corral during the famous gunfight, Whitechapel during Jack the Ripper’s escapades, ancient Rome during the reign of Caligula, and a deep space trip to Alpha Centauri that leads to our heroine meeting the crew of the Neptune 2, a spaceship crewed by the Bobbinson family, Major Dan East, the ship’s robot and a troublesome stowaway, Doctor Zuggery Snyth.
Throw in the personification of a deity of a civilization long forgotten and Miami Blast ticks all the boxes for a rollicking good yarn and laugh-a-minute story telling.
Excerpt from Chapter Eight:
“My masterpiece!” he wailed. “You steel-skinned saboteur. You meddling mechanical monstrosity. Thanks to you the world has lost one of its greatest literary treasures!”
“I believe the term ‘literary’ is inaccurate, Dr. Snyth. ‘Literary’ refers to writing of the highest standard, both stylistic and thematic, whereas the contents of your notebook barely rise to the level of the lowest genre fiction.”
“Spare me your silly soliloquy, you lexicographical lunatic. And don’t try to evade the issue. Your actions led to the destruction of my notebook, and I shall never forgive you. Never!”
“If you had recorded your alleged literature on a tablette and backed up the file to our ship’s cloud server, rather than relying on your antiquated paper-and-pen technology, your data loss could have been prevented.”
“You clanking cretin, how dare you question the methods of an artiste!”
The robot’s bubble head popped up to its highest extension. “Alert! Alert! Hatch of spaceship now opening. Several occupants disembarking. Initial telemetry scan reveals no hostile proclivities, but caution is advised until further readings are completed.”
“Never mind your wearisome warnings, just tell me what planet they’re from.”
“Ship’s transponder identifies it as the Sarah Briggs, a commercial starliner owned and operated by Southwest Spaceways and homeported on … Earth.”
Dr. Snyth’s eyes lit up. “Did you say … Earth?”
“Well don’t just stand there, you electronic idiot, drive us over there!”